It's hard to give, it's hard to get. Yeah, I know. The poet told us that. OK, fine. It was Patty Griffin. The point is, I'm no good at it. Not when it really matters.
I can forgive people I love dearly, people who, so far, have made it easy to love them. What's hard for me is forgiving those who have disappointed me over and over again. I wish I didn't remember, but I do remember seeing the water turned off or the lights out or the phone service out at my house growing up because my dad couldn't pay the bill.
I'm trying not to be angry that for the zillionth time in my life, my dad has let me down. I'm trying to forgive him.
I can't help that right now I'm a little angry at the church elders sitting downstairs in the living room talking to my parents and explaining why they can't keep paying the mortgage. I'm angry that they won't cover a phone bill. How is anyone in this house -- namely my mother, who is looking for a job -- supposed to get a job without a phone? My dad may think he's too good to punch a clock, but without phone service, there's a virtual guarantee no one will ever call him for an interview.
We're back at square one yet again. I'm just trying to keep my own head above water so that my kids never have to see what I've seen. And yet, this is life. It sucks. It hurts. But, it's pretty much all we have, and I'm trying to remember that. Thank you, God.
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5 comments:
Katy, that sounds really hard. But I can tell from your past writing that you have a special relationship with your dad, and that there are a lot of good things between you two. God will redeem the other parts.
i think that once I get a house, if you and your mom get completely fed up, you guys can come live with me until your dad gets a job. it might wake him up.
love you, katybear. and your family. this will pass. you've always handled these things very well. and your anger will fade soon. i'm praying for you and your family, bub.
Katy, thanks so much for the note on my blog. It's nice to know that you know how I feel, and it's nice to know that you're also an INFP. I've never met another INFP that I know of, and it's strangely comforting to know that I'm not the only one. I hope things are getting better for you as well.
Hey friend. I'm sorry you're feeling angry. And I'm sorry your family is having difficulties. But mostly I'm thankful that you have such a good head on your shoulders and that I know you'll learn from all these experiences, and I'm glad you have the presence of mind to do so. Love you.
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